i am not my amazon ranking

Life of a writer wankery to follow. There will be whining. Read at your own discretion.

So over the weekend I finished Julie Powell's Julie and Julia, which is a delightful read.* It gets a bit boggy in the middle but, overall, great fun. Mere seconds after I closed it, I was felled by stabbing pangs of jealousy. Powell's book has been topping the charts now for well over a year. Powell herself has become so well known that she's been an Iron Chef America judge. And while the book is lovely and Powell deserves the success she has ... I am still so very, very jealous of all of it.

Because, of course, I am a bad person and it is just wrong to be jealous.

Still.

I don't begrudge Powell all of the money and fame, especially since I know how very small her money and fame are compared to real rich famous people in other fields. The potatoes in the writing world are of the small red new variety versus the watermelon-sized Idaho bakers.

While I could certainly use the cash,**  what I'm most jealous of is the power this book has given Powell to choose her next project. And I am jealous as well of her next project, which seems to be about meat and has involved visits to Argentina and with the Maasai. I want to do that, dammit, but she got to it first.

Like I said, it's not a pretty emotion.

Of course, it helps that she's written a book that is accessible to most readers, rather than one that is all depressing. I'm half-tempted to take on a year-long project myself. The best I can come up with is working my way through all of Alice Starmore's patterns, which doesn't exactly scream mass appeal now does it.

I'd like to just be an unconditional success at something, you know? Yes, yes, I know that it only matters how *I* feel about how well I've done and looking for outside validation is wrong, blah, blah, blah. Most days, I can do that. But Powell's book -- through no fault of Powell -- makes me all jealous and crabby, because, dammit, I'm as good a writer as she is and we do have eerily similar voices. If she can do so well, why can't I?

Like I said, not pretty.

I do try to take consolation in this post by Cherie Priest, who does an awesome job of explaining what it is like to be a writer with a book that has been published.

A sample: Everyone will want to know why you're not on the New York Times Bestseller List yet. You will pretend that you're much more reasonable about your expectations than that. But secretly, you will also wonder why you're not on an important list someplace and you will feel inadequate.

I also take great pleasure in reviews like this one. I'd eat crackers with her anytime.

--------
* If you've not heard of it, the book is the story of Powell's quest to cook every last recipe of Julia Child's Mastering the Art of French Cooking in a year in her wee apartment kitchen. Frequent bouts of hilarity ensue as Powell grapples with figuring out who she is and what she wants to be.

** I still have my day jobs, is what I'm saying, and would love to have the luxury of a few months where I could just write or travel and write or, you know, buy new clothes.

Comments

[Tim Walker]

Two things:

1. Hang in there. Hey, I mean, *you're* the author of a published book!

2. Are there things that you know of you could do to increase the likelihood of Powell-like success with your next book? If so, can you do (some of) them, and can you start now?

[Anna]

Books I should have written/am jealous of:
Ann Jones, Women Who Kill
Joan Smith, Misogynies
I'm sure there are more--those are just off the top of my head.

I had everyone asking why I wasn't turning my dissertation into a popular book on women's violence like this guy in my program who wrote about serial killers. Um, because I wrote a literary dissertation?

Please don't let anyone write our book on sausages before the dude and I get the chance!

[cristin]

I think you're a better writer.
Being an actor in NY, the only thing anyone ever wants to know is 'are you on Broadway?'
People just don't get it!

[Trish]

The snarky side of me wants to tell you that the answer to "why aren't you on the best seller's list" is "because you haven't won a Nobel prize/become president/made CEO/been voted teacher of the year" or whatever. The intellectual side of me wants to tell you that David Callahan (http://www.cheatingculture.com) has an incisive explanation for this. The...

Would you like a cup of tea?

[karrie]

I'm completely envious of your Amazon ranking!

And I think you should grab your passport and go spend some time knitting in Iceland--for research purposes. :)

[Adrienne]

Tim - you make it really hard to get a good pity party going, what with that sensible advice thing.

Anna - know what my next book is going to be about? Sausages. I'm told there's no market. I kid. Have you read Ruhlman's Charcutrie book?

cristin - thanks. Are you related to an Amy by any chance?

Trish - Problem is, the only one who asks that question are the little voices in my head, who I can't really answer back to with snark. It's a self-induced pressure, is what I'm saying. And, yes, I'd love a cup of tea.

karrie - Mmmmm...Iceland. Which does have a rich knitting tradition, btw.

All - thanks.

[Tim Walker]

I'm a party-pooper that way, I know . . .

Following on Karrie's suggestion, something like "Glaciers and Wool: My Year of Knitting in Iceland" could go over gangbusters. IMHO.

[karrie]

I have several gorgeous scarves and mittens courtesy of the duty free section of Keflavik airport.

Their Lucky Fares prices account for at least half the stamps in my passport:

http://www.icelandair.com/luckyfares/

And look what I just found in my inbox:

http://www.icelandair.com/home/packages/product/store65/item110236/

[Adrienne]

Given that what I learned about Iceland this very morning makes me think that the universe trying to make damn sure that a go there for reasons that only the universe knows, I'll be hitting the Lucky Fare link a lot. I'll let you know when the universe also gives me the cash to get there.

[Mrs. G.]

Jealousy and whining are just a natural part of any honest writer's black little heart. Having read and enjoyed both of these books, I have to tell you, yours stuck with me. Perhaps your next book would get more publicity if you chose a Powell-like-theme. Something like...Martini & Merck: 365 antidepressants, 524 breakdowns and 1 tiny mental illness. Hey, I saw your book on the public library's NEW shelf--that alone should give you lifelong chills. I can't wait for your next book.

[Adrienne]

Thanks, Mrs. G. And I'm sooooo stealing Martini and Merck. The subtitle made me snort coffee up my nose this morning. With laughing, not anything weirder.