Because he cruelly likes to make people think on a friday morning, marvin asks:
The Pan-Galactic Olympic Committee has drafted you to represent Earth. The rub is that we don't know anything about the games played in the galaxy-at-large, and they don't know anything about ours. Because you're a newbie you're allowed to pick the events -- five, as it happens -- in which you'll compete. You'll have to win at least three of the five in order to save Earth from being turned into a new MacSapients franchise. What do you pick and why?
1) Toddler-wrestling. Contestants will be given a 2 -3 year old that must be fed, dressed (including hat, mittens and coat), herded outside, packed in carseat, pried out of carseat, directed to the classroom and settled in. If the contestant resorts to bribes, brute force, pleading, cursing or crying, penalties will be assigned.
2) Grammar-nitpicking. Contestants will be asked to properly punctuate a entry-level college student's paper. Extra points will be given for not cursing or crying. Aspirin will not be provided.
3) Work-avoiding. Contestants will be given a set amount of work to complete and a cable modem with unlimited access. Those who can compile the worst work v. surf ratio will be winners.
4) Paint-waffling. Contestants will be provided with 4000 paint swatches, all of a variety of the color white. The competitor who can dot the ceiling with the most sample patches without coming to a conclusion will win. Extra points will be awarded if the competitor realizes that white is a stupid color anyway.
5) Extreme-napping. The contestant who can stay asleep the longest wins.
Other Fivers of the left list are giving the aliens what-for as well.